Mavis's Dream Four




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Well hello there my friends! Nempnett Thrubwell, your friendly neighbourhood stalker here, ready to tell you of all my exploits in the last few months! If there's a bin to be rifled or a minor celebrity to be harassed, I'm your man!

This month I have been trying to stalk Kim Deal, formerly of the bands "The Pixies" and "The Breeders" and "The Amps". Recently she hasn't done very much in the public eye, leading to speculation that she's pregnant, or something. I mean, after all those marvellous Pixies albums, a somewhat brief stint with The Breeders and one ropey lo-fi album later, she must be lazy, or pregnant, or something. So I decided to fly to America to see if I could find where she lived and just, you know, take a few pictures and maybe a lock of her hair. Arriving at New York Airport I was greeted by three lovely chaps in blue uniforms. Taken aback a little by their surliness, I answered their questions as honestly as I could. I am nothing if not honest, because I believe artifice is not a valid means of expression, and I fear this was my undoing. Upon my response to their question "Why are you visiting the United States, sir?" I answered quite truthfully, "I am here to stalk minor indie rock legend Kim Deal, for I am a professional minor celebrity stalker and all I wish for is a lock of her hair and a handshake." At this point they hustled me behind a sturdy looking barricade, pulled on some rubber gloves and gave me a, erm, intimate examination. Then they deported me.

I am undeterred. Here are my rules for a successful stalk.

1) Do not tell anyone what you are doing. Especially the U.S. Immigration Service. They are mean people.

2) Life is too short to ignore overflowing rubbish bins. Look! A bill from BT for £168.97! An unfinished kebab! Soiled nappies!

3) Try to look ordinary. Look closely at my picture. Is that a real likeness, or a disguise? The decision, as always, is yours.

4) Don't murder anyone, or threaten them with knives. It did that woman who stalked Andy Warhol no good whatsoever.

5) Drink lots of tea.

6) Be a bit of a loner, and never talk to your neighbours. Torture their cat instead.

See you next time!


Editor’s note: Mavis does not condone stalking, or cat torture. It is not clever or funny, but rather nasty and evil, and if you try it you will end up in the same boat as that madwoman who stalked Billie Piper, or the one who killed Jill Dando (allegedly), or find yourself being interviewed by a “nice” man from the RSPCA.


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